well... i kinda feel better now that i have a lil plan laid out for college and whatnot.. after basically wasting my time for about a year, i'm gonna enroll in either summer or fall classes at the College of Marin. Yes, it's a community college and yes, i had sworn to myself that i would never go to a community college unless it was absolutely necessary.. but i think this is a good decision, i will save money (chances are my tuition will be free) and i will be in a transfer program directed towards going to Berkeley. Hopefully I'll get in. I even consulted with our tax guy who was the dean of admissions at Berkeley for 25 years, and he said that college of marin is definitely a good decision. So... my dad won't say shit about it. lol. 

I might get distracted tho, during school, and.... like wow i love tare panda, it's pretty much the most super kawaii thing ever! and i have a pencil and a lil keychain thing with tare panda on it. I really wanna find a morning glory in California.. i found a couple locations but it was privately owned.. so idk what that means. I plan to call but chances are I won't because I will get distracted by some other lil thing. I wanna read crime and punishment. I read les miserables just for fun so i feel i should be able to get through Dostoevksy...

Whats it all about?

Well, I have no idea what I will be using this blog page for, maybe so that I can come back to my own brilliant ramblings and draw inspiration. Maybe I will use this as a type of journal since I can't seem to ever draw myself away from the computer long enough to put entries into my paper version. 

About me I guess:

Amber Pagan Melissa Bianca Johnston, Why all the names? My parent's didn't marry and they wanted different middle and last names for me and I didn't have the heart to choose one way or the other. Why that order? I have no idea, other than that I remember being very young, reciting them in that order and that's the way I have remembered my names ever since. 

Actually the name issue has brought about a lot more hassle than I even want to remember. Because of my dad's stubborn nature, I was sent to school bearing his last name and not that which my mother legally assigned to me. Therefore, my government and school records have always have different names for me. For some reason this has resulted in numerous verbal altercations between my father and I as well as my father and mother. Although they normally refuse to speak to each other.

So, I have learned from an early age, not to judge something by it's name. I have grown up hearing my grandmother using Shakespeare's words in defense of her argument that names do not really matter. "What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet."-juliet. And I believe this because I think it silly to say that the name which we give our children will drastically affect the type of person who they turn out to be, especially when it comes to last and middle names.

I'm currently 18 and sitting on a bed of some sort which is dirty, stained and on the floor, propped up against a bunk-bed. I'm leaning on a stuffed teddy bear which has mystery stains coming in a wide array of colors over the entirety of his body and head. I am afraid to move him out of the way because I don't know what's behind him but i heard it moving and breathing and I have been told there are many animals throughout the room. Among those are a rabbit, bird, rat, cat and tarantula. So yea I'm being cautious. I was thinking about going into the living room to escape the mess but I remembered what it looked like when I walked in the room and I remember not being able to even decipher one clear path to the couch without walking over a cage of dogs or snakes or a pile of clothes and plants. Nevertheless, I am perfectly contented because I am visiting with my sister. For the brief time I have spent with her I have been very happy. I came here at around 12 and I need to leave here by around 4. I joked and laughed with Jamie as I sat next to her, hoping I wouldn't crowd her with my legs. She is so cute, and quirky. As I was wondering if I should give her more space, she turned around and pretended to bite my knee. It was adorable. Then I watched her draw on her wacom tablet onto the computer. She is really good at it, she's getting really fast too. It shocked me, I didn't ever realize she drew so fast, especially on a computer. 

So I need to wake her up in a little while and then I will be on my flight from here (seattle) to San Francisco. 

Romance: I have been in Hawaii for the past month and a half (long story) and surrounded by some cute surfer guys who are really sweet and pay attention to me, but I hardly notice them or any guys for that matter, who have been asking for my phone number or telling me I'm hot or something. My indifference is sparked by my love and devotion to a man named Hugh. I love him deeply. I haven't met him. Contradictions? Not exactly, both are equally truthful in their own respects. I have not "met" Hugh face to face However, I feel we know more about each other than I would have dreamed of knowing about any other person. He shares so much of his history and experiences with me and it fascinates me to no end. I love everything about him.

His disposition, his looks, skills, intelligence, his ability to act like a kid or be completely serious or super romantic whenever he feels like it. 

We are so alike in a lot of ways, but polar opposites in other ways. I have been talking to him over the internet and on the phone for a while now, around four or five months and he has already done more for me than I would ever imagine someone would do for another person, and I haven't met him. It's weird to think of that but in context, it's completely different than it seems. In all fairness, he is putting as much trust in me as a person as I am in him. I trust him without a doubt. I know that he is the one that I need to be with. No one else. It's almost unreal to me that he feels that way about me too.